Tonight is the night, we’ll fight ’til it’s over

“Maybe being on stage isn’t such a good idea, people are going to look at you. People will laugh at you, because you are the fat girl singing on stage.”
This is just a light version of all the things I was told over the years.

When I went to the open castings I thought that there were just nice enough not to crush my dreams and let me sing for them. A day afterwards I’ve received a text message that I got into group, but that I was not going to be a lead singer. I was thrilled. I wanted this.

Month and Month of rehearsals and than I got a small role and was singing the “full cast” songs. I put a lot of time and effort in it. Trying that my head won’t take over when it came to questions of costumes. And what happened? After a lucky/unlucky coincidence made the choreographer swap my role with someone else. A bigger role, a key role for the musical. I was thrilled. I worked harder.

I did make up and helped with costumes. But that nagging feeling was always in my head. You are too fat to be on stage. Everyone is laughing at you. I had been growing closer with a fantastic woman on tumblr, Amanda, who encouraged me that I am good enough and just as talented as everyone else. If it wasn’t for her, I might not have looked for a word with the choreographer. Might not have let my doubts step aside for a minute and perform. I owe this to her, because she encouraged me to go for it.

And we had fantastic shows, nights, the audience loved us, we loved each other. It was amazing. I felt the love of my cast mates, my supporters, friends who traveled hours to see me perform. And yet not everyone I loved came. I got text messages that they are proud of me, but they did not come. They were too scared to see people laughing at me.

After a successful last year we had some shows planned for May/June. And I always wanted to sing a song on my own. I received a message that the final song in our show needed someone new to sing it for one show, because the regular performer couldn’t do the date. And I went in. With all my heart and a sick voice I auditioned once more for this song. I  got the noticed a few minutes later. The song was mine. For that one show.

I rehearsed for weeks, my husband’s poor ears. But my head was not cooperating. It kept going on about being too fat and  not good enough. I looked at the pictures from rehearsals and all I could see was that fat girl out of breath. And not every rehearsal went well, some were really shit. But the day came and it was the most intense experience I’ve ever had. As the audience noticed that I was the one singing/rapping it the crowd exploded. They celebrated with me, with us and I was thrilled. I HAD JUST DONE THAT.

To say it with the words of a dear friend right after my song: “Fat girl just blew everyone’s mind.”

Last week I was asked again to do the final song at a promotional gig and yes I did it. I blew everyone’s mind. Not without the thoughts about being too fat, but with a bit less of them. I saw some people’s faces today and they seemed so happy and excited about my performance and this is what I am going to take from it. Yes, I am not thin and I actually might never be, but if i am able to tell me head to stop thinking to much about it, I can make an amazing thing happening.


More Pictures To Come


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